I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
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4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[classified ads]
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The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm