I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
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Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
airing out the snack pack
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I am putting on so many clothes
*cold weather sext
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Kids: Stay in school.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.