Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

Jokes on them. I took 10.

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure