I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
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Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.