I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
You Might Also Like
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
lol
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
is losing your mind a hobby?
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick