I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
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Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Guantanamo Bae
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”