I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
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just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
In case you needed to hear it:
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’