I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
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I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.