I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
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Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.