I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
You Might Also Like
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
socratic questions
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Squirrels before girls.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Saturday
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
relationship goals
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google