I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
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Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
No. YOU-buprofen.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I put the mess in domestic.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
In space, no one can hear…
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.