I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
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I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Me trying to “trust the process”
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.