Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

that colleague who touches your screen

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

boat question

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.