I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
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My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
imagine getting destroyed like this
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.