I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.