I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
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Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you