I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

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My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.


It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in


Funny how arguing works. We’re all “You clearly disagree with me, so I will now repeat my point with steadily increasing levels of volume”


Boss: you’re late

Me: traffic

Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again

Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you


Good cop: You have the right to remain silent

Girlfriend cop: What’s wrong? Why are you being so quiet? Are you mad? I hate when you’re lik


My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’


[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times


We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.


My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.


K. U. M.
No. M.
Just write Jason.”

– me right after ordering coffee