Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

step 6: release the wall snake

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.