I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
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Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
