Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

water it, i dare you

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️