I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
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Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess