I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
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Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Thinking about Jeff
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.