I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
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The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
