I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
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Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
#MeanwhileinCanada
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!