Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

Remember folks 😂

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

My Sentiments Exactly

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*