@Angibangie

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

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@marinhubka

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

@BookishBunny

At this point most of the hugs I’m involved in are just my kids using me as a napkin.

@torlangi_danish

Parents nowadays are afraid to beat their children meanwhile i remember my mom factory reset me with one slap

@spitfirehussy

You’ve been found guilty of murder in the 1st degree. Your sentence is 20 years of being trapped in a FB group message about a baby shower.

@flashember

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

@toastymoe

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

@sofarrsogud

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

@kelownagoose

My cape keeps getting caught in the wheels of my scooter, so don’t tell me about your problems.

@jackiembouvier

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

@fro_vo

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence en????? ???? ??