I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
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“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks