I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

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I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.


At this point most of the hugs I’m involved in are just my kids using me as a napkin.


Parents nowadays are afraid to beat their children meanwhile i remember my mom factory reset me with one slap


You’ve been found guilty of murder in the 1st degree. Your sentence is 20 years of being trapped in a FB group message about a baby shower.


Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.


Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver


I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.


My cape keeps getting caught in the wheels of my scooter, so don’t tell me about your problems.


Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.


[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence en????? ???? ??