I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
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*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.