Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

bad
worse
worst
worchester

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

Kermit goes Blue.

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.