*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
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We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?