*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
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some Old Testament wisdom
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant