I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
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The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
dutch is not a serious language
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot