I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
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always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo