I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

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Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times


LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.


My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.


[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys


*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*



[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer


[God inventing iguanas]
Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren’t


[Working in a hospital]
ME: Well, this guy’s autopsy is done
NURSE: You mean tonsillectomy
ME: Uh oh