I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
You Might Also Like
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
we did it you guys we saved daylight
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi