I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
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why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.