I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
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me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
this will hang in the louvre one day
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.