Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

DATE: So tell me something about yourself

ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’

HER: I need to see other people

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?