Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

Don’t snitch tag.

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.