Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

When you let grandma cat sit

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater