Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

The big book of baby names but for safe words

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.