Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell