I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
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*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.