I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
You Might Also Like
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.