Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far