I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
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You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
oh you wanna fight?!
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Banking tips
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend