I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
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[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this