I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
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Lucky for them, they’re cute
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.