Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

#SaturdayBears

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine