I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
