I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
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How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –