I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
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Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.