I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Hmmmmm
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.