Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

What if the weather talks about us?

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

When life hands you women, make women laid.

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you