Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

Dear Lord..

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

secret recipe

Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.