Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

For anyone who needs this today

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

Good advice.

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night