I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
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My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*