Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

Cinema or bowling

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.