I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
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Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.