Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?

Her:

Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

i baked you a cake

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

beware of dog
(jukin media)

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half