Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

*Becomes a black hole*

*Only absorbs corndogs*

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.