I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
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I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Me too door. Me too.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight