I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
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“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*