I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
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After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
nature’s most graceful animal
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?