I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
You Might Also Like
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies