Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.