I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
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The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
