Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real