I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
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I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.