Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

Challenge accepted.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

😍😂🥰😂😍

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.