Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

when unicorns get really drunk

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

i prefer mine room temperature.

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.