Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

Childbirth is so beautiful

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

I’m ready for Halloween this year

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.