Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.