Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”