I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
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People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Good advice.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Yup
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..
I said, you too..
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions