I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
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putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Nothing to do, you say?
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose