I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
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My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.