Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

date: what do you do for a living?

me: i make trojan horses

date: that’s not what i’d expect

me: yah that’s the idea

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…