I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
New comic up. “Ransom”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
