I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
You Might Also Like
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
*aggressively waits in line*
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time