Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

I Can’t Tonight…

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.