Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

Holy moly

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.

You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.

My nickname in high school was “who?”

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

That eye roll….

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating