I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
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[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Interior design 👌
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic